It never ceases to amaze me – what I fear about an event is NEVER as bad as I pictured it. Call me crazy, but I create a worst- case scenario in my head that almost never tracks with reality.
For example, today’s demo-presentation on the last day of camp was fun and successful for us, the kids and their caregivers. It went really well.
BUT I had pictured it beforehand as a chaotic mess, a sweaty uncomfortable situation that I couldn’t wait to be over. A part of my brain was sure that it was going to suck.
Just once, I’d like to imagine in advance an event or gig going super-smoothly with every little detail deftly handled by the combined energy and wisdom of Beth, myself and our partners. That would be great!
Growing up, I think I was a “glass half full” sort of guy. In my mid-50s, though, I recognized that fear (terror, really) was buried deep in me underneath a persona of showmanship and denial. Let’s call that part, My Scared Little Boy.
Ten years later, I am developing clarity and acceptance around my little guy’s daily anxieties. I am beginning to say more often, “I feel uncomfortable.” Eventually, I call it what it is – probably a vestige of my upbringing and a reflection of how bat-shit crazy the world is now.
Most people reading this, even the ones who have known me for decades, will pooh-pooh the idea that Scott Bierko is a pessimist, a guy who imagines the worst outcome.
“Scott? He rocks!!”
I think some might see me as strong guy because the scared part of me is a secret. Remember the old Secret deodorant ad, “Never let them see you sweat.” Well, that has been my mantra since my teens. I denied and hid my worries behind a mask of “I can do it!”
Fooled ya, huh?
I wonder how many of us, particularly men, do not feel comfortable admitting our anxieties? How many people move through their life with a false self that they show the world?
One of my buddies, a well-known music producer, says, “I have never met an artist who is not, on some level, very insecure.”
Insecurity is something we try to hide, but it often comes out sideways. We may appear confident, but then we might be controlling, contrary, curmudgeonly or quiet. In other words, the Secret ad is a ticking time bomb. We store our emotions until they explode.
As I continue to do my work, I acknowledge that I have a lot to learn about how I project the feelings I cannot identify on to others or suffer in silence. I need to use my awareness and other resources to discover my True Self that often feels worried, sad or angry and give that little kid inside of me some compassion and, importantly, a place to vent his concerns. Only then will I imagine a better world – because I will be better.
God – please remove my character flaw of imagining the worst and hiding behind my false self. Teach me how to be present to all of my emotions and know that with You, I am okay.
