Lost and Found

Am I the only one who wants to throw in the towel some days? Of course, not. Millions (if not billions) of us wake up hungry, depressed, in pain, angry or lost. Today, that’s what I feel – lost

Sometimes, I can connect the spirit inside of me to the greater Spirit that exists around us all. In those moments (outdoors, enjoying music, or interacting with a fellow being) my central nervous system tingles with joy and I feel in-harmony.

So, what causes the shift from harmonious, connected Scott to depressed and disconnected Scott? Why am I feeling lost today?

Last night, I woke up at 2am. My thoughts were running from thing to thing in a kind of loopy way that felt like there was no rhyme or reason for them. The word “fixate” comes to mind because my thoughts would latch on to something wacky and just stay there. I could not fall back asleep and none of my meditation tools helped to settle my mind down. I guess you could say I was lost in the catacombs of my mind.

Beth, my wife, asked if I had been taking my anti-depressant regularly. Good catch, Beth! I had skipped a couple of days this week and last and that may be playing some havoc with my chemistry. As we age, it’s important to have an advocate in all things related to health!

As we’ve traveled through the country, I’ve watched Bill Maher, the January 6th Hearings and witnessed the effects of climate change around me. I’ve dealt with giving up our home, the ups and downs of travel and the conversations about “what’s next” that Beth and I engage in regarding our career. I’ve watched my parents age, my brother lose his dog and our canine companion, Bradley, endure surgery. I’ve sat with friends who are in transition, witnessed family members dealing with mental illness and seen myself and my friends show the signs of aging, too.

I’ve seen beautiful sunsets, moved lightly down many wooded trails, stood under waterfalls, engaged in wonderful conversation with new and old friends, and enjoyed satisfying, fresh food. I’ve been the recipient of many kindnesses from strangers, sincere compliments about my music and received loads of support from family and friends.

Reading over the last two paragraphs, I see it, now. The world I live in is full of triggers and I’m feeling a lot of them very acutely. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just breaking open more each day, feeling on a level that’s even keeping me up at night. My body and my emotions are ahead of my mind.

I feel better, now, clearer having written about what I’m experiencing. I don’t feel lost. Thank you for being with me as I searched for my way back.

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