Breaking Open

For those of you who are new to this blog, I’d like to warn you that the term “Adventure” should be replaced by the word “Odyssey” or the phrase “The Twists and Curves of Scott Bierko’s Mind.” Sure, I started this blog with the intention of taking you on a fun RV trip, but it’s never been a breezy travelogue. From the get-go when we started dismantling and selling our home in 2021 up to this point, I’ve covered grief, anxiety, bliss and satisfaction in equal measure along with descriptions of cities, events and parks. In fact, I’ve even dealt with death, recently posting about our dog, Bradley, and his recent cancer diagnosis.

Phew.

It’s been a couple of days since I last wrote. In the interim, Beth and I have been setting up our new home, a rental property near the Catskill Mountains. We took a trip back to Westchester to pick up our bed, set up the internet and enjoyed an evening out last night with our cool landlord, Don, and a group of friends, Gary, Judy, Marty and Don’s wife, Helene.

What I don’t want you to know (but I’m going to tell you anyway) is that I had a mental breakdown this morning. Scratch that. I had a Spiritual and Emotional Breakthrough. Actually, they’re the same.

I haven’t cried since I was a little boy, but not for lack of trying. Over the years, my tear ducts have begun to loosen up, but I haven’t had an all-out cry until today. I’m not going to blame my non-crying on our culture which teaches boys and men to “suck it up and keep moving forward,” but that training does play a part.

My inability to cry was really my way of surviving early trauma around my father and mother’s divorce when I was on the cusp of adolescence. That’s when I discovered music (hooray) but I also found that I could distract myself from the pain with alcohol, pot, shopping or work. This is not unique. Lots of people I know went down the same path, but most have not spent years – as I have – trying to reconnect to frozen emotions and risked going nuts by giving up all of those things cold turkey, selling their homes, and heading out for an RV Adventure at age 60.

This deep work is part of my artistic bent as a musician and writer, but it’s also connected to my desire to lead “the examined life.” That is what the Adventure has become and what it will likely be about going forward.

My breakdown/breakthrough this morning was a “breaking open” caused by the transition from the mobile life we led for 7 months to being householders, again. I spun down into a brief (36-hour) depression because I felt immobilized (no pun intended) by confusion and feelings of unworthiness and shame. Prior to my big cry, I tried to make progress and I was doing pretty well here, but there was obviously something building in the background.

I know that it’s hard for some of you to understand how a guy like me could lose his shit and curl up into a ball. But know this – it’s been the goal for a long time. I knew that I wasn’t living a full life as a human, that I was “performing” quite well in most areas of my life and fooling a heckuva lot of people including my False Self. But I knew in my bones that there was more to uncover, to heal. And I’m guessing that it’s something that a lot of people in my legacy never did. So, in some ways, it has fallen to me to pick up the pieces once I learned how to fall to pieces.

Please don’t worry about me. I’m not unstable, suicidal or destined for the funny farm. I’m doing my work and I’ve got Beth with me every step of the way. I’m sharing with some of my close friends and I’m writing in this blog to be fully transparent. My hope is that this will benefit me, as it always has, and send out some hope to others who may feel similarly. Please feel free to contact me privately if you want to chat about it.

So, I’ll leave it there, for now. I will let you know how things are going and I’ll try and keep my focus equally on what’s fun and interesting in my environment, too. There’s lots to share about living here and I look forward to telling you all about it.

We Go On!

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