You haven’t heard from me for a few days. I really had very little to say, so I said nothing.
This is not usual, as you know. In addition to this blog and my performing career, I have filled up many pages of journals and made it my goal, especially on the Adventure, to talk with anyone and everyone I meet. This includes complete strangers (who are just friends I don’t know, yet). In other words, I frequently express myself and connect. But sometimes I have very little that’s new to say. Like now.
You’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything…say something once, why say it, again? David Byrne, “Psycho Killer”
One part of me loves the serenity of silence. This part – the same guy who loves being in nature – enjoys the meditative quality of quiet and listening. Most of our close friends, family, and especially my wife know that I can sit in a room for three hours and say next to nothing. Luckily, I know a lot of great talkers who pick up the slack.
I’m actually an introverted extrovert. Or an extroverted introvert? My parents used to say “Scott’s moody.” That’s true, but I have learned it’s not so simple. There are plenty of times I stay quiet because I like listening and have nothing to say. Other times, I’ll admit, I have nothing nice to say. That’s a good time to shut up, too. HA!
As I write this, I have begun my Yoga Teacher Training which involves a lot of listening and learning. So, I guess you could say I’m in listening mode, concentrating on new information, some of which is highly technical. I’m also doing 4 hours of practice plus meditation, pranayama (breathing) and chanting over two days, so the intensity has me pretty quiet.
Grief and worry can move me toward silence, too. I just learned that my friends Bill, Nancy and Carol lost their father and husband, Mort. He died after a battle with cancer. I am sad. I’ve known Mort and his family all my life and I grieve with these old friends as they mourn his passing.
But I think it’s the newness of the yoga training that has me keeping my own counsel. There’s some sort of transition that is occurring in me as I begin a six-month, deep dive into something that’s just for me. Sure, I may teach and share yoga one day, but for the time being, it’s all about Scott. And that feels, well, selfish, if I look through it through the lens of time, money, and receiving support from Beth. This is not to suggest that I don’t ever take some time and money for my needs, but the hugeness of this commitment is giving me mixed feelings about loving myself enough to treat myself this well!
I’ll leave it there for now and return to listen to my heart. I don’t have to figure this out in one day and there’s no need to rush my development – even if I get uncomfortable with the transitory phase. In this moment, I’ll pray for guidance, to allow myself permission to sink into the teachings and the feelings that come up around them. As someone said, “It’s all good.” And as I often say, “It’s all part of the Adventure.”