About a week ago, Beth and I joined our friend and realtor, Judy, to see a home in nearby Hurleyville, a small village in Sullivan County. The single level ranch has three bedrooms, two full baths and a large living room suitable for hootenannies and a generous dining room. It’s a tastefully decorated and updated home from 1958 on just under three acres. It includes an unfinished basement with lots of storage space, a wood burning stove, a screened in gazebo, a vegetable garden and (get ready) a heated, in-ground pool. There’s enough land to one day own a horse, raise chickens or let a traveling circus pitch a tent.
The surrounding neighborhood isn’t much to look at, and that’s one of the reasons the property is for sale at a very reasonable price. It’s at the high end of our current budget, but the place would easily cost two or three times as much in Westchester, NY. In other words, it’s both an awesome deal and a lot of house to maintain.
Knowing that I wanted this home and that I am ready to settle in Sullivan, I came to realize that I have a partner (Beth) who processes much differently than I. It takes me less than 3 hours on average to make a decision while she could easily take 3 weeks if it were possible to do so. This is not a binary, someone is right and someone is wrong thing. We’re just differently-abled. My confidence in my intuition and intelligence enables me to move forward with speed and figure out the details as they come. Beth likes to see every turn in the road and possible outcome in advance and process them, checking in with her emotions along the way. We are two different, powerful super computers.
There’s a benefit to our diversity, but there’s pain, as well. Simply put, we can drive one another nuts if we’re not in a well-balanced and accepting place. I’m sure this is true of other couples and organizations and, sometimes, it can lead to a frozen state where both parties stay in Stubbornville.
The alternative (and we’ve been there often) is when we give in to the person who feels most passionately about a decision. In the case of the house, Beth is three times more invested in getting it right than I am. She wants to turn it over and over and talk to everyone who can offer an opinion. Ideally, my job is – Wait. Listen. Wait some more. Repeat. However…
But I do not like green eggs and ham!
As I battled rather than accepted, I began to experience some already existing aches and pains in my body begin to build. My stress level over the last two months has increased along with the introduction of new and intense work projects. This house thing became the proverbial straw that (almost literally) broke the camel’s back. I’m gonna be okay, but I really need to adjust and stop pouring gas on an already blazing fire. Accordingly, I am downshifting this week and taking advantage of a lull in our schedule.
In the end, whether we stay or go is not the main point. Our relationship, marriage, partnership has to be our first priority. Even when we were raising children, we valued our marriage as our primary responsibility and that has stood us in good stead for 32 years.
Life, God or the luck of the draw keeps challenging us humans to evolve and that means breaking through a shell if we want to grow (I’m still thinking of chickens). In my experience, the Universe looks at busy, creative, ambitious folks and says, “Yeah? You want more? Try this!”
We don’t have to, we might be too scared to, but that’s the way it works. It breaks us, builds us and has zero compassion for those that stand on the sidelines. Only the strong survive, so I need to get busy figuring out, yet again, what strong looks like this week. The rest is up to God.
The benefit of being 62 and a veteran of many personal and professional battles is knowing when I’m asked to fight and when it’s right to lay down my sword. That’s the secret to longevity.
