Are you a perfectionist? Fortunately, I am a recovering one.
At my worst, I can be like the fellow in The Rolling Stones song, “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”
I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no girl reaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no
As a person, the greatest injustice we can do to our individuality is to be overly concerned with what others think about us. Moreover, a true perfectionist can never take his eyes off his flaws – even though being flawless is nigh impossible.
I have worked on a lot of difficult problems in therapy including my parent’s divorce, denial, addiction, depression, anxiety, boundaries, family discord, marriage communication, betrayal, and epic struggles with children, siblings and parents. But none has proved more difficult to overcome than perfectionism.
I suppose it’s the oldest of my issues and one that my parents and grandparents unknowingly bequeathed to me. As anyone knows who has walked through therapy, the family traits are the hardest ones to overcome. It’s as if they were baked into the cake.
Of course, I don’t have to do this work. I’ve made out okay, in part, using high standards to my advantage. Nonetheless, this striving has not made me content, so now I’m on a quest to both achieve AND feel relieved.
The principle method is pretty simple: stop looking for love (validation), especially from those who do not gravitate towards me or my work. Put another way, it’s totally normal that some people will neither appreciate, respect nor give a hoot about me…and that’s perfectly okay.
To non-perfectionists, this is obvious stuff. They’ve never had to walk through life with a nagging fear that they may be worthless. Seriously, that’s how many of us experienced childhood straight through to adulthood. Is it any surprise, then, that a bunch of good people ended up unhappy, addicted or worse?
As Lennon and McCartney wrote, “It’s getting better all the time/It couldn’t get much worse.” Artists, it seems, know a bit about the toxic pain of perfectionism and its evil twin, depression. Unfortunately, some of our greatest have suffered and died without finding relief.
John Lennon’s greatest creation (IMHO) was his own redemption co-authored by his wise and loving wife, Yoko. He was never happy being rich, famous, funny, drugged, drunk or in bed with lots of partners. In the end, it was love that turned him around – for his wife, their son and, hopefully, himself.
It’s no coincidence that my life has intersected with that of one of my heroes. Like John, I wanted all the material trappings that being a star might bring me. And most of all I wanted to be adored. Such is the sickness that we who were abandoned or abused often inherit.
Nowadays, I like who I am most of the time. I’m more relaxed, especially since I improved my relationship with my wife and kids, became aware of my feelings, and sold our home and moved to the country. The more I undo and let go of what constrains me, the better I feel, the more creative I get and, if the last two years are any indicator- the more we succeed.
If freedom from perfectionism is the goal, then loving our imperfect selves is the way to get back home.
