When we started this blog and named it, we had a few thoughts in mind. First, we wanted to document the transition from home ownership to traveling vagabonds. Second, we wanted to openly discuss the emotional ups and downs of change and transformation.
I have thoroughly enjoyed fulfilling both goals and my intention is to keep going. I just feel so much better writing things down and sharing them.
Tonight I had an interesting and profound conversation with K. We are fellow travelers. Both of us are happily married in our sixties and likely in the last portion of our work lives prior to retirement. As one of my friends in The Mankind Project put it, K. and I are segueing into that period when there’s nothing left to prove. We have accomplished most or all of our goals.
That doesn’t mean there isn’t work to be done. It just means that we can hold onto the reigns with a softer grip. We have that luxury.
Of course, I have no idea what the Universe will throw into my face tomorrow or in the years to come. Should I be lucky enough to live another twenty or thirty years, there will be joy and creativity, but there will also be pain and loss.
Speaking of loss, one of the things K. and I discussed tonight was how our fathers had broken our hearts. In my case, my parents divorced when I was entering my teens. It was an acrimonious parting and my parents never resolved the personal and financial shocks that rocked our once happy family. As a result, the divorce and subsequent mismanagement of our relationships never really stopped hurting everyone in our family. For me, it was a sudden loss of trust that a child needs to feel safe.
Fifty years later, I am still sad and angry, especially during the holiday season. Yes – I know how to cope thanks to a lot of therapy and a great marriage, but a broken heart (IMHO) does not heal. When we experience a childhood trauma, we adapt, but we don’t ever fully return to the innocence lost. We just learn how to grieve it.
Here’s a reading you might like.
Fortunately, Beth and I can take care of one another to some degree. Over the years we have become more able to create our own traditions. For example, we wrote a show about Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa that teaches children about the history and meaning of the holidays. As Beth often says, we don’t celebrate the holidays in the show. Instead, we share and learn together. That’s who we are.
Personally, I am okay having given up the “let’s all have a great time with our family” guilt that I used to carry around. In fact, I know that I’m not alone. As I have aged, I’ve learned that there are lots of people who have mixed feelings about this time of year, including my mom. After all, her trust and safety were shattered, too.
Although I am not presently seeing a therapist, I remain engaged in the work of uncovering and understanding of how to improve my body, mind and spirit. It’s a part of what makes Scott tick. It’s also become part of how I interact with people, preferring what my friend, Bill G., calls Soul Talk over Small Talk.
Secondarily, my life as an artist and a teaching one are integrated into my self reflection. The lyrics I write, the blog posts I type and the shows and workshops we lead all benefit from my spade work.
I’ll finish by saying, “Of course the holidays bring up old, traumatic memories and part of living fully is is to accept and fully understand that the corresponding feelings are not easy.”
So, if you’re at all similar, I get it. It’s okay to not be 100% or even 1% in tune with the cultural pressure to enjoy the holidays. You may have lost someone or something and it might get amped up during these times. Again, I get it.
May you be able to find what you want and need and may you find someone to share it with, too. And please feel free to reach out to me if you need a little Soul Talk.
