Writing a blog post about my family is tricky. One of our daughters strongly objects to any and all online mentions (unless I don’t mention her name) and both of them are highly sensitive to having too-personal details about their lives broadcasted. I do not always like it but I am trying to comply because it’s not a “hill I want to die on.”
That said, I continue to believe that expressing MY thoughts and feelings while being respectful of their’s is a possible, though delicate dance worth attempting in this space. So, let’s start the music…
We all flew to Florida to celebrate Christmas with our eldest and her boyfriend and to escape the cold winters of New York and Montana. It’s the first time we have gathered since we met in San Diego in the Spring to bury our youngest daughter’s partner, a powerful time that united us, I suppose, in a way that none would have chosen.
Both of my children are suffering in their mid 20s and early 30s. One, obviously, from sudden death and its terrible after-effects and the other from the age-appropriate travails of relationship, career and personal growth changes. These are hard years for them and harder, I believe, than it was for Beth and I during our early adulthood. Such is the case with many in these challenging years.
Unfortunately, our children are not inclined to share confidences with one another. I don’t know if it’s permanent, but they are like oil and water right now. Trust is not high.
I know from my own experience that sibling relationships are rarely easy. My brother and I have never been close and lately we don’t speak unless necessary. We had the following text exchange this holiday:
“Merry Christmas from Florida” followed by “Merry Christmas from New York.” Yeah, that’s it.
My father was an only child, my mother was/is estranged from her brother and most of the people I know have little or no contact with their brothers and sisters. Weird, huh? It’s not what I wanted or expected, but it’s what we’ve got.
In our family’s case, the emotional stew includes some geographical distance (New York, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Montana and Florida) and a very wide spectrum of how to live one’s life. As a result, we have a family that stubbornly hangs on to its ever-widening orbit despite an inverse pull to separate. Such is the life of many families these days. It sure ain’t The Waltons, but thankfully it ain’t the Kardashians.
Gathering here in Florida without any drama (so far) has been worthwhile. We are spending a few hours every day as a fivesome, but also venturing out to be on the beach, go play some pool, exercise, work or read alone or in small groups. We are not forcing an uncomfortable amount of all-together-time, so it feels really good (to me). Yesterday, we gathered for lunch and a trip to a nature sanctuary where I met my first bald eagle, Eugene.
With the help of close friends and Beth, I set an intention to be my true self here in Seminole, Florida. I know that I can be gentle, patient, flexible, confident, humorous and creative in my friendship and professional lives, so why not be that way with my family, too? I can be the wise, paternal eagle, not the viscous hunter.
Last thought…
In addition to my own prayers, I have asked friends to pray for me on this trip. I am convinced that this has been the integral, missing step in the success of my family interactions. As a result, I feel light on this journey as if I’m being carried by unseen hands as opposed to feeling heavy and burdened with trauma, anxiety or loneliness. I ask you who are reading this to send us some more prayers. It’s what I need to thrive.
Please let me know if you need some, too.
