Vulnerability

I have been having a hard 24 hours. Since we determined that our trailer’s jack was broken, I’ve been feeling frustrated, angry, disappointed, and sad.

In my last post, I wrote about welcoming difficult situations as an opportunity to become a better warrior. That still makes a lot of sense to me and it’s been one of the secrets of how I learn and adapt to challenging circumstances.

The mother of all problems, however, is when I cannot control an outcome in the present. It’s when I need to exercise patience or ask for support and I want it to change NOW. Familiar with this, folks?

What this triggers in me is Shame, a belief/feeling that says, “Scott, you SHOULD be able to fix this a problem. WTF is wrong with you? What kind of a man are you?”

The anger and self-loathing become like volatile chemicals in my stomach. My chest tightens and I want to drink or disappear.

Since I do not drink anymore and because I simply cannot run away from these problems, I’m stuck. And feeling stuck is not where I want to be. It’s as if I’m in the middle of a swamp and it’s dark and I don’t know where I am. I want to be rescued, but there’s no one who will hear me.

If none of this makes any friggin’ sense to you, God bless you. You may be one of the lucky ones who remains cool, calm, and collected no matter the stimulus. Usually, I am that guy. But not today. Not when it’s T-minus 8 days before we leave our home and head south.

10 minutes ago, I arrived back home after writing 3 new songs with kids. The last song we wrote was about emotions called “So Many Feelings”. I think it’s easier for me to talk, write or sing about feelings than to feel them. I’d rather things work out perfectly than feel. That’s just how it is – for now.

God, help me to handle discomfort not by chasing it away but instead by being with the feelings. Help me to continue to process it, to talk about it to fellow travelers and to allow them to help me. Dear God, help me to be courageous in the face of what I fear most – vulnerability. 

Comments

  1. NoelsK

    Hi Scott, I'm another guy who is very uncomfortable when I can't control the outcome of a problem. When I was three years old I adopted the role of "Mr. Fix-it" and I've tried to imagine I was in control most of the time since then. If you ever want to chat, please call me. I am a pretty good listener.

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