I woke up this morning feeling positive, lighter by far than I’ve become accustomed to feeling. This lightness was my old normal for many years. Honestly, I hope it will be, again.
As I’ve offered in the past, it may be grief that plagues me every day. The loss of Bradley is one part. The other is separating from the place I called home, the friends and family and familiar places I knew. More troubling, I’ve wondered if it could be long-Covid. Whatever it is, I really wish it would pass.
When I feel light, I am ready to sing, play and create. I love the idea of being outdoors, spending time with friends and being alive. On those days, responsibilities are accomplished with ease.
By contrast, when I wake up in a darker mood, I want nothing but a return to sleep – in that moment or later that night. I want to isolate and turn the world off. I dread every responsibility and feel like a schlub.
I don’t think I’m alone in this, but I don’t hear it being discussed openly. Perhaps it’s the inner work that has brought me and others to this place. Maybe it’s the state of our country, environment or the effects of Covid or aging. And maybe it’s all of the above. All I know is that it’s very uncomfortable and nothing I’ve tried will chase it away.
If the reasons we are feeling this way are a complex set of things we cannot control, it’s highly unlikely that it will pass quickly. Twice in the the last six months I have felt this lightness only to have it disappear within 24 hours. As such, I’m going to take Beth’s advice and “enjoy it while I can.” I’m writing today because of it. And that feels good.
Plans continue to unfold for traveling to Westchester in July and to spots in the northeast throughout August. I’m curious to see if a return to travel lifts my mood. One of my working hypotheses is that being a householder no longer jibes with my inner need for freedom. I recall that settling down in the Catskills was an experiment. So, a return to the road is the next step in my scientific inquiry.
I don’t think that Beth feels this stuff as acutely as I do. Her nervous system seems to be less inclined to jump from high to low like mine has, lately. That’s good. There have been times when I was the steadier one providing support. Part of my growth as a man (and human in a relationship) is to accept that love and support.
So, let’s see what today brings. Maybe I can step back from my hyper-vigilance and relax into the arms of God’s light. May it be so for us all.