I am engaged in a double-life where I am pursuing healthy living and a toxic lifestyle at the same time. I am working out, relaxing and eating healthy meals and I’m sitting out in the sun too long and over indulging in candy, cheese, carbs and caffeine.
I am a double agent!
Remember those cartoons where the devil is on one shoulder and the angel is on the other? I feel like I am listening to two equally powerful voices that have sown division within me. Taking it one more step, I am projecting the two different, dominant voices I hear in our culture on my body: good health and indulgent hedonism.
A house divided cannot stand. Obviously, it’s smarter to commit to a healthy lifestyle. I should detoxify, give up all sugar and caffeine and behaviors that harm me. This is the Angel’s voice.
The Devil is a bit more nuanced. His voice says that I can do both, that I can be “nice to myself” by being healthy in the morning and indulging in the evening. Clever guy, that Satan.
Moderation and Balance are fine and dandy propositions for individuals who have non-addictive personalities. These are the folks who can have one cookie, smoke two cigarettes a week or watch one episode of a TV show. I am inspired by these folks and I hate them. They are not me.
In Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) we admit that we are powerless to change on our own and, therefore, in need of a Higher Power to end the internal chaos I’ve just described. When we choose the 12 step path, we give up our right to go it alone and align ourselves with a system and a community of fellow travelers who possess the wisdom, strength and hope to guide us out of this mess.
As in all things, the first step is admitting we are lost and the second and third are acknowledging that we need to commit ourselves to a Higher Power who can guide us back to safety, sanity and clarity.
Therefore, I need to admit the following: my double-life isn’t working. I want to change it and I have been unable via willpower to do so alone. I need support and without it I am doomed to repeat my mistakes. It’s humbling, yes, and it’s also freeing.
To write this down is one thing. To actually stop buying a family size bag of M&Ms and cease eating cheese and crackers while binging on TV is another. I am in for a fight if I want to defeat my old, inner voices.
On the other hand, maybe there’s a way to love myself instead of fight with myself. Perhaps there’s a gentle, understanding and compassionate approach that honors my higher self and doesn’t despise my lower one.
It’s 5:00 am and I will now pray to God about this.
Having prayed for a moment, I acknowledge that there is something that needs to be destroyed: the belief that the devilish path is an option for me. As stated above, I am an immoderate fellow when it comes to this topic. Therefore, I need to lovingly blow up the bridge that leads me back time and time again to the land of confusion.
A mentor once helped me let go of alcohol for good by shouting the word NO over and over. This is the the way here, as well. To embrace the fork in the road that leads to peace, one must reject the other road.
As a thinking species, we can wrap ourselves up in too many conflicting thoughts. We can perseverate ourselves into some serious knots in our lives. In times like these, who but a kind, confident accomplice can help us get untied? Call it God, Energy, or a Higher Power, but know it is within us all to end the chaos and seek help. May we all have the courage to do so.
9:00 update: having shared this post with Beth, my fellow cook, dining companion, co-adventurer and in-house wise friend, we have agreed to discuss and plan how to achieve our goals. We are always stronger when we work together!
