I hesitate to write this post because I’m experiencing some difficult emotions, today. The performer-salesman in me wants to show off my “happy and peppy and bursting with love” side, the guy who has been cheerfully championing the adventure. But I’m going to take a risk and not manage your opinion of me – as if I could!
First off, the BOOM we’ve been hearing is courtesy of Fort Stewart, a large army base to the south. Apparently, they’ve been setting off large ordinance for a few weeks at all hours of the day dnd night. Mystery solved.
The “boom” I’ve been feeling is homesickness (yearning for the past) and terror (worry about the future). It’s hitting me like an explosion because I have been consumed by the dismantling of our home and our possessions and, I now realize, compartmentalizing the emotions so that I could get the work done.
The last time I felt this homesick was when I went to a new summer camp at age 12. I didn’t know anybody and I was terrified that I’d be stuck there for two months. I remember feeling it in my stomach and across my chest like a burning sensation. Looking back, the feeling was very natural, but extremely uncomfortable for about one week.
So, I know that my current state is temporary, natural and a re-triggering of an older feeling I had as a young boy. Still, knowing that in my head does next to nothing to stop the discomfort. I just have to endure it, to move through it. My wife said, “Congratulations! This is what you’ve been working towards – feeling fully.”
I walk into fear. It’s what I’ve always done and it makes my life very rich and risky. And I’ve done it, again, perhaps in a way that feels bigger and scarier. I have no idea what the next move is…yet.
This morning, Beth did her first, two outdoor yoga sessions. I was with her every step (as was Bradley, our dog). They went well despite the cold temp and some complaints about the audio and video. Like everything else we’re doing, it’s an experiment. We may have to go to a model of pre-recording classes. One day at a time.
After class, we spoke with our friend, Kevin B. who lives between Charlotte and Winston-Salem, NC. Kevin was able to give us A LOT of great information, places to check out in South Carolina and his home state. As a result, I think we have a better plan brewing after we take in some more of Savannah. It’s entire possible that we leave early which is fine by us.