We’ve been camping in Savannah, GA for a little more than one week. Our intention is to stay here until early March. Today, the weather was beautiful, again – over 70 degrees – a great time to be in a city that gets very sticky and hot in the summer.
After a difficult start due to a poor internet connection, I had to take a half-hour break for some prayer and meditation. Yeah – one of those moments…
Because we continue to have trouble getting a great signal, Beth’s Zoom classes have been full of audio and video glitches. As rabid people-pleasers, this is extremely frustrating for us. We want our clients who have been so loyal to Beth to receive wonderful classes. We certainly don’t want them suffering when they come to Beth for relief!
The opportunity here is for me to patiently persevere as we slowly move towards a solution. This is really hard for me. I like to fix a problem fast! The internet issue, like most of the challenges I’ve dealt with during the leadup to the adventure and in this moment, preclude fast fixes. As a result, I’m suffering and growing which is, unfortunately, one of the only ways to break through to a new level in one’s work. I accept that.
My prayer this morning was a conversation with God where I did all of the talking. I asked for patience. I asked for the ability to endure the process. And then I sat.
After a while, Beth and I talked and I asked for and received permission to put down some of today’s work and continue processing my feelings. I didn’t need to ask for permission, but we’re on this adventure together and I want her to understand that I’m not lollygagging when I stop and sit down for thirty minutes. I also like her to know what’s going on with me. That’s how we’ve rolled for nearly 30 years!
Over the next half hour, I allowed myself to feel intense anger. I clenched my fists, tightened my jaw, and seethed. Then I started feeling frustrated. I said out loud, “I”m fucking FRUSTRATED about this internet bullshit!” and other such curses. And then I went into embarrassment. I felt the full weight of disappointing our clients, my wife and myself. This led to feelings of shame – the hardest one of all – where I acknowledged that I felt horrible about ME – the inept schlub who could not solve the problem.
I hear you cringing at the above paragraph. But know this – they are only thoughts and feelings. And here’s what I am learning on this adventure: when I can sit in the stew of these “horrible” moments I can go through them. In fact, after only 20 minutes I felt lighter and freer. Instead of picking up a beer, some sugary treat, or buying something, I felt my feelings. I was present to them in the now. And that, my friends, is the secret o’ life, IMHO.
Remember – I’m an artist. I’m a writer. I’m a mentor and a facilitator, so doing this work for me is not just for me. It will birth new songs, new dialogues and who knows what else down the line. My guess is that somewhere in the future, the stuff I’m writing about here won’t just be in a blog. It needs to move past that point to something bigger. And I’m doing the training to get ready for that job.
Thanks for being here with me as I figure it out. I hope that it’s helpful to you, too. Let me know!