Although I have not written in this space, lately, I’ve been living my life – Beth & Scott’s Adventure – to the fullest.
Rick Rubin says, “Zoom in and obsess. Zoom out and observe. We get to choose. A river of material flows through us.”
Like most of you, I’ve done a lot of both. With my therapist, I’ve been busy completing one phase of our work together and readying myself for the next phase. In this moment, I’m happy to report that the foundational work, while not tied up in a pretty bow, feels like it’s mostly complete. I am ready for the next phase of the journey. Borrowing Monty Python’s words, let’s call it Scott’s search for the Holy Grail.
My personal Holy Grail is to express myself more fully as a songwriter and performer. Furthermore, it’s to move with courage through the steps that have eluded me to share it with a wider audience. It’s been my lifelong dream to do what my brother referred to as “moving from the coffee shop to the concert hall.” In my case, just getting to the coffee shop with my music remains a big step. I’ve done that and I’ll do it again, but not without keeping my eyes on the larger prize – eventually leaving the little pond of safety I’ve stayed in for all my life and taking my chances in the bigger, rougher ocean.
Yesterday, Baila (my therapist) and I knocked down one of many false beliefs I carried around for years. This one was called “ambition.” I assumed, incorrectly, that I lacked it. Baila said, “No. I don’t see you that way. You’re afraid, but you don’t lack ambition.” As soon as she said it, I realized that my clever, inner critic had done me a nasty trick. It had said, “Scott, you lack something (ambition) that’s critical and therefore you cannot achieve your goals.” I knew that it wasn’t talent that I lacked. Now, I know that I don’t lack ambition either. Put another way – I am confident that I have what it takes in all respects to move forward with gusto. Ha!
There will be some reading this who will say, “FINALLY!!! I’ve been telling you for years that you could do this, Scott.” To those people, I say, “Thank you for your patience.”
One of my friends, Bob H., has been consistently donating to my Patreon account every month for the last few years. When I met Bob in college, he had a belief in me that has never waned. In part, I dedicate my work to people like him who have steadfastly stood by me even when members of my family did not. I also acknowledge some others like Beth, Bill, Brian, Blake, Lisa H and Lisa R, Rick S., Pat (mom) and Jim (stepfather). I’m leaving some people out, but you are all in my heart.
This is a quest that requires me to channel songs and support. And while it may be my hands on the wheel, I am open to all encouragement, prayers and love along the way. Tears come to my eyes as I write this because for too long I thought that I was alone responsible for my failure to go after this goal, that there was something wrong with me. Now, I know that it took a while to realize that it takes a village to raise a child and an artist. I do have to do my part, but I do it for you, too. I am in service to others who might benefit from my songs just as I have benefited from the songs of those who came before me. We are all part of a legacy. I accept that. I am going to keep my eye on that, for ego is not the driving wind here – love is.
My last word is to acknowledge that my dear friend, Sharon, is going through a very difficult part of her life journey. Along with her family, she is facing the greatest of all challenges. I am inspired by her courage and I say to her and her family, “Thank you for who you are. You are inspiring me as you move through this and I acknowledge that some part of me is saying, ‘Scott, do it for them, too.;” And I will. That’s what love is.