In the summer of my 12th year, I had my first hit off a marijuana pipe. And in the summer of my 62nd year, last week, in fact, I had my very last hit.
For over 50 years I have flirted with, been deeply intimate with, laughed, danced and listened to music with and generally enjoyed the affects of marijuana.
But that’s only half true.
As often during that time, I have experienced paranoia, physical discomfort, a desire to be more high or less high and dealt with the social and personal challenges of seeking out the next hit. In the last couple of years, it was about gummies and trying to use them as social lubrication.
I’m done.
At camp, today, a little five year old boy named Bobby asked me if I had ever smoked. I told him, “Yes. I smoked cigarettes when I was young.”
“Why,” he asked me? “Didn’t you know that they are bad for you?”
I wanted to just say I was young and dumb, but instead I found myself telling him and the other 5 and 6 year olds who were listening intently, a deeper truth.
“You guys know I’m a musician, right?”
Bobby and the others nodded.
“Well, when I was young I thought that musicians were cool. And I wanted to be cool, too. And almost all of them smoked cigarettes, so I did, too.”
“Didn’t your parents stop you,” asked Bobby?
“No,” I said. “They smoked, too. A lot of people did.”
“That was so dumb,” said another boy.
“Cigarettes are horrible for your lungs and they’re even more important than your heart because you breathe with them,” said Bobby.
“How did you learn so much science, Bobby,” I asked? “Did one if your parents tell you about this stuff?”
“No. My brain told me,” he replied.
Young kids aren’t as sophisticated as adolescents or adults, but the way that they think and reason is fascinating. Their brains aren’t as muddled by options. They say and do what they think is right and that’s it. I love them for it.
As an adolescent, I chose pot, cigarettes and later alcohol to fit in, feel happy and be cool. As an adult, I used some of those things plus shopping, work, caffeine and food to feel better or hide from uncomfortable feelings.
I’m not dumb, but sometimes I try and take shortcuts. When life gets hard, my first instinct is not to meditate, pray or talk to a trusted friend. My first instinct is to reach for something to take away the pain.
As I grow, I’m learning that using medicine, isolation or some sort of distraction is a very normal reaction to the challenges we all face. For me, son and grandson of many addicts, though, the tendency to try and ease my way through life with substances is more dangerous.
So, one by one I am giving up my crutches, learning to reach out for help and coming into full adulthood at 62. I’m not there, yet, but as my friend Gary says, “It’s all a work in progress.”
That sure ain’t dumb.
